The Black Hole of Denial

Healing

The Black Hole of Denial

Over the decades, I have observed that one of the most insidious obstacles to healing trauma is the black hole of denial. This applies to any type of trauma, whether sexual, physical, verbal, or other. I have often pondered why we fall into this trap so easily. Below are some of my musings.

It seems like denial is the most comfortable, yet the most dangerous place for the wounded hearts of trauma victims. The painful effects of trauma manifest in one or more of these facets of life: our contentious relationships, our unfulfilling work, our deteriorating health, and our declining finances. Who doesn’t desire a hiatus from this bleak sadness and madness? So why not pretend – for a minute or for a lifetime – that all is well? Are we even aware that we are pretending to be just fine when our souls urge otherwise? I have met people whose lives were damaged beyond belief by trauma, yet their words and actions contradicted the pain hiding in their hearts. Some have had too much hubris to admit that they need help. Year after year, they have continued to face the same problems, and nothing has gotten resolved.

I believe that on a deep level, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before our façade falls, and our descent into hell begins. The time comes when we have no more places to hide our pain. Harsh life events crush the barriers around us and force us to begin our true healing journey. The descent into hell feels like the end of the world. The query begins. Why me? Why now? Why this much pain? Is this going to kill me? What did I do to deserve this? All questions are useless, because they don’t remove the excruciating pain. No matter how much we kick and scream, our soul sizzles in the blazing inferno. Every second feels like a year!

Eventually we realize that we are not “melting” in this rotten hell, but simply “morphing.” Into what? Only time can reveal the answers. Perhaps we find our life purpose, as Victor Frankl did while imprisoned in a Nazi camp. Maybe we become more deeply compassionate or develop other valuable aspects of our character. We may find that we are able to guide others on their own healing journey. Perhaps we discover innate talents, strengths, and skills that we weren’t aware of.

I have observed that the pain we run from is the same pain that morphs us into better versions of ourselves, if we allow ourselves to be transformed. This is why I believe that the

comfort of denial is the most dangerous place for our wounded hearts. Denial is a black hole that deprives us of inner growth. As my friend Dr. Herb Agan frequently says, “Never waste a good crisis!”