The Gifts of Dysfunctional Families

understanding why

The Gifts of Dysfunctional Families

Growing up in a dysfunctional family is painfully difficult, no matter what type of trauma we experience. When we experience multiple types of traumas, the pain is even more excruciating. We wish to escape, and the days feel like weeks…the weeks feel like months….and so on. Some of us get married young, join the armed forces, or go to the university farthest away to escape that hell. Some of us turn to unhealthy addictions to cope. No matter where we go, the pain sticks to us like super glue, until we start healing.

I was blessed to receive a Twelve-Step handout called “Common Effects of Growing Up Emotionally Deprived” when I took a class with Dr. Herb Agan at the Jung Center of Houston. The author of the handout outlined 13 effects of growing up emotionally deprived. For each of the 13 effects, Dr. Agan added the “gift,” or “gold” that we receive when we heal from each effect. Although the handout refers to growing up emotionally deprived, most of the effects can apply to any type of trauma.

The 13 effects are listed below, and the “gifts” added by Dr. Agan are in bold letters under the effects. I value this handout because it helped me see the silver lining in the sexual and emotional trauma I experienced as a child. I also could assess which effects had healed significantly, and which I still needed to work on. I encourage you to do the same.

Lacking personal authority, we are easily intimidated by authority figures.
We are often teachable and eager learners, as we find our inner authority.
Lacking self-trust, we failed to develop inner awareness and a comfortable identity.
We learned to adapt to fit in to the world around us, as we learned to self-trust.
Feeling belittled, we became shame-filled, afraid of angry people and their criticism.
We are peacemakers at heart and may be empowered by our repressed anger.
We use our compulsions to temporarily console uncomfortable feelings.
Our compulsive behaviors often serve our survival and creative pursuits.
We often feel helpless and victimized by life and hide, failing to take healthy risks.
We identify with people and all living things that suffer and seek to relieve it.
We tend to be overly concerned with others, overly responsible for their needs and we often neglect our responsibility to our own needs and desires.
We can have great empathy, compassion and understanding, making the world a
better place. And we have within a wealth of unlived life, yearning for expression.
Too often feelings of guilt, a false guilt that masks our anxieties, prevent us from standing up for our self and claiming our place in the world.
We can have a sensitive moral conscience and, often, the humility to be reflective.
We often use excitement or busy-ness to help us avoid uncomfortable feelings.
We love to celebrate spontaneously and we enjoy living. We love adventure.
We confuse love and pity and tend to love people that we pity and rescue.
We take risks in helping others and are willing to get involved more readily.
Many feelings got stuffed and we lost the ability to express our feelings…even good feelings like joy and happiness. We often deny we are out of touch with our feelings.
We can be stable, task-oriented members of family, work and community
groups.
Self-criticism from the inner critic abounds, leaving a very low sense of self-esteem.
We don’t think we are better than others, as we learn to value our unique self.
Terrified of abandonment, we often hold onto relationships that are going nowhere.
We can hang in there long enough, sometimes, for healing and growth to occur.
We react to life, stuck in unconscious, impulsive living, rather than respond from the wellspring of consciousness, creativity and energy within.
We are often good in crises, aware of what needs to be done, now, and do it!

As painful as life is when we grow up with dysfunctional family crises, we do not have to

stay stuck in that darkness. When we do our deep inner work, we can transform our painful

wounds into the beautifl gifts that Dr. Agan outlined above. We also gain confidence from our

new strength and can guide others on their healing journey. As Dr. Agan has pointed out many

times, “Never waste a good crisis!”